Remembering who I am in Cruel Moments

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Hello my readers! Every time I want to write, I think “no one wants to know what I have to say”. Today, the Holy Spirit spoke to me saying “the right people want to know” – so here I am. I promise to be more consistent writing.

On the last few days of May I got sick. I ended up with a terrible sinus infection and bronchitis that kept me ill for two and a half weeks. Recovering after that took another couple of weeks but now I’m better. Almost better. The thing about getting sick with Hashimoto’s and Alopecia is it takes down everything you build up and you need to reset. Specifically with Alopecia and taking a JAK-Inhibitor, one has to stop the medication until the illness is gone. As directed, I stopped which led to 75% of my hair falling out again. Even without a JAK, a virus/illness will cause hair fallout.

For the past weeks or so, I have been saying, “I hate my ugly self”. Alopecia is cruel. I knew where this self-thought was fueled by. Last summer a cousin stayed with us overnight. During the visit she spoke cruel words, unknowingly I assume, but she said “you used to be pretty”. Those words stung and stayed with me. As I looked in the mirror in the past few weeks, her words burned. I saw “but now you’re ugly” – and I believed it. Until last night. True ugliness is a mean spirit with cruel words.

Last night I was on a coaching call with Real You Coaching, and without having to explain my personal struggle, I was reminded that Satan, the enemy, is the deceiver, distorting the view of myself. The enemy will use any mode or person he can to try to derail my and your faith and trust in God. “Let no corrupt word come out of your mouth, but such as is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear.” – Ephesians 4:29

I don’t know anyone else personally with Alopecia, though there are so many who have been diagnosed since 2022. I know this because I’m in alopecia groups and so many have no family history of it. So many say it began after having Covid or after having Covid vaccines. For me, I know my body and mind was over-stressed from taking care of my mother daily for three years. She passed and just a few months later Covid worldwide happened. I took the vaccine, but hindsite, my immune system didn’t need to be “boosted”. Regret.

Looking forward >>> I have been thinking Alopecia and thyroid disease was my fault. It’s not. I didn’t cause it. Stress caused it. Taking care of others instead of myself caused it. Thinking I wasn’t important enough to speak up and take a break from exhaustion caused it. Putting my mother’s every demand first, caused it. All that didn’t pay off in a good way.

I always have hope but I too often feel let down when hope becomes a waiting season. But God says, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer”. Romans 12:12
I will be joyful in hope, patient in this affliction and faithful in prayer. I will always trust God and know that I am His workmanship. Made perfect in His sight.

So what next? Until hair grows back, cute hats and head coverings! Going boldly to God in prayer, asking Him specifically for what I desire. Holding my chin up and trying my best to be confident in who I am today and going forward.

Mark Twain
Current photo for those who need hope that you are not alone.

But What if I Fail?

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The picture is my list of tasks to get done for today. I’ve been pretty sick all week and I’m not used to doing nothing.

Despite trying everything the doc usually suggests, I got worse. Sometimes you just have to lean on medicine and antibiotics. I saw the doctor Wednesday and as typical for me, sinus infection and bronchitis. I felt and sometimes still feel like I’m suffocating. But, I do feel that I’m turning the corner on just 3 doses so far of Augmentin, asthma inhaler (wish I had a nebulizer), and good ole Mucinex.

I’m exhausted from coughing and struggling to breathe, headache and backache from coughing. I made my bed and took a shower. Then I had to sit for a bit. Haha! Ugh.

What if I fail to get the simple things done that I have listed? So what?!! Taking care of myself physically is what matters the most. Because there’s usually tomorrow.

Take care of yourself so there will be tomorrow. Slow down, take a break and have no shame nor guilt.

Trust God’s Plan

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How often I tell myself (and others) that I’m going to take care of myself first, then help others. Then, I don’t do it. I know why I have this mentality to put others needs and demands before my own and that is something I need to stop believing. A dear friend wrote a book called Unhooked and it has proven so helpful for me as I recognize hooks others cast upon me. Putting myself last and on hold is a hook. Believing I’m not worth my own time is a hook. My doctor once told me that feeling the need to help others is an addiction, I chuckled it of but now I get it.

I almost always make myself available to anyone who asks for my help, my time, my energy. I do it to the point that my body can’t keep up and I end up sick.

As many of my readers know, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s thyroid disease and Alopecia. This has taken a lot out of me physically and emotionally. A hairstylist without hair, without energy, with painful hands, legs and feet. I’ve wanted to step away from doing hair for several years now but don’t have the heart to let my clients down. And to be honest, these days, every dollar matters.

I took care of my mother pretty much daily for two and a half years. She was demanding and days with her were long. I was fatigued, sore, mentally burned out and felt her anger and meanness in every part of my body. I cried on my drive home most days. After she passed, I felt sad for her but relief for myself. I felt guilty for that for quite some time. I’m okay now though.

Just months after she passed Covid happened. While my body had not fully recovered from the stress of my mother, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s and Alopecia which can be caused by high stress, illness and vaccines. I believe the covid booster put my immune sytem over the top as I was told by the doctor I saw the day after the vax. That story is in previous posts.

Here is where I missed God’s messages to slow down and trust His plan for me. He relieved me of my mother. He gave me time to recover while covid lockdown but I didn’t. I lost four hair clients last year, 2025 and a few the year before. I’m filling that space with helping others with their needs. Four days ago I came down with a sore throat, cough, sinus pressure, heavy chest; you know, the typical cold/respiratory infection. This time I heard Him say STOP! This time, I’m listening. I’m making time for me with God daily.

It’s tough for me to take time out for myself mostly out of guilt of doing nothing but self-care. This time I am doing exactly that. I feel relief that I will say no to whomever asks for my services this week…so far. God shows us in so many ways that He is here for us, we only need to be still to hear Him. I recently read, “God provides the wind, but we must put up the sail” (St. Augustine). I love that.

 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. – James 2:17

Is there a place or time in your life that you have neglected your own needs? When do you finally begin listening to yourself and to the Holy Spirit in you? Where can you begin?

I’m here to listen or talk with you. Email me if you feel the desire. I can easily chat with you via email from home while recovering!

Hair After 1-Year on Litfulo

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Snow as White as Hair

A year ago this month, I had about 90% hair-loss. As expected, I was depressed and I didn’t want to see anyone – or more honestly, have anyone see me.

I had been on a JAK- inhibitor before most of my hair fell out. But because it raised my liver enzymes and lowered my kidney function, I chose not to continue on it. Instead, I tried all-natural recommendations but without success. Being someone who prefers natural healing and a healthy lifestyle, I felt stuck.

As time passed, I got more anxious and depressed. Life felt dark for me. I kept my chin up on the outside but inside, I was hurting.

I decided to give another JAK-Inhibitor a try. I compared the previous one I was on with the newer option. The newer one, Litfulo, was made to target only alopecia. The other one, Olumiant, was initially made to treat Rheumatoid Arthritis and was later discovered to help alopecia. It is now used for Covid-19 treatment as well. Litfulo seemed to be worth a try.

I began Litfulo on February 18, 2025. I didn’t see any results for about four months. Then, tiny, pure white downy hairs began showing. As seen in past posts, I eventually had a full head of pure white, soft hair. Within eight months, as it grew longer, color began to come through. As the hair follicles heal from autoimmune inflammation, the color will return. Even if the color didn’t return though, I was happy to have hair again.

Twelve months later, I have most of my hair back; all but a small strip that is now growing in. As for my blood labs, everything is good. I will have routine blood labs done in April and I’m confident that it will still be good.

The downside of taking medication is that if I stop, my hair will most likely fall out again. I will continue to eat well, live well and even improve lifestyle habits and choices. I will say “no” more often, rest without guilt and seek joy in all things. I thank God for healing, for all the good in my life and for His grace.

Need an opinion, advice or to simply vent to someone who understands and listens well? Reach out to me.

Be well, be positive and take care.

This is me right now, salt -n- pepper and feeling good about it.

Rediscovering Your Dreams: Breaking Free from People-Pleasing

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When we are young, we all imagine the life we think we will have when we are an adult. How many of us have the life that we dreamed of as a child? What if that was our path? What if that was the way we should have gone? What if we didn’t do what was expected by those around us and followed our dream? What made you go in the direction you went instead of the way you dreamed? Did you go in the opposite direction just to make someone else happy? In doing that, Did it make you happy?

When we become people-pleasers, we lose ourselves. We lose direction; and we lose sight of our dream. When we live to make others happy, we often find ourselves lost. We become lost in chaos of life and often our own minds. We go through the motions and tell ourselves we are satisfied; but we aren’t truly fulfilled.

Personally, I have come to a near breaking-point. I’ve become aware that my good works and kind nature is taken for granted. My help is expected. My generosity is expected. Keeping my feelings to myself is expected. I look back and wish I appreciated myself more. Instead, I see/saw myself as others see/saw me and treat[ed] me. Can you relate?

Is it too late to change your view of yourself and your dream? Never! It’s never too late to improve. How do I/you change? What is my/your first step? Steps in change is different for each of us. You can do it without outside advice or influence. All you need to do is pick one thing that diminishes your self-worth and start there. Then onto the next thing that diminishes your self-worth. Change how you respond to those things. Being available for yourself doesn’t make you a bad person. Standing up for your opinions, doesn’t make you wrong.

I can put myself first and still be kind, caring and helpful to others. When I put myself first, I have more compassion for another. I don’t feel burned out (as much!). When I finally follow my dream, I have peace. My dream of how I thought my adult life would be can’t be restored. But I can start from where I am. I can preserve my future by making necessary changes now.

“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” -Galatians 1:10

When I am available to myself, I am more present with God and that matters most to me.
Are you ready to be available to yourself? Where will you start? When?

Pull Some Irons Out of the Fire

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Do you feel overwhelmed but still empty? I do.

I have suddenly realized that my entire life has been a steady stream of being a caretaker. I thought I had to throw all of my irons on the fire. I had to shuffle them around to meet the demands of others. Of course, I expected and enjoyed taking care of my kids when they were young; I didn’t expect to have to do it alone. I didn’t want to have to but that’s how it turned out. I love my kids (now men) and would do it over again if I had to. My kids were not the issue. All the adults who were [and those who still are] demanding is my issue. I repeat, my issue. It’s time for me to take a step back and pull some irons out of the fire.

Change is inevitable. Accepting change and more importantly, making change is in my opinion, life-saving. Being flexible, easygoing and accommodating is important in a peaceful home/life until being too flexible, easygoing and accommodating becomes painful. Emotionally and physically painful. When you realize that this is happening, it’s time for you to take some irons out of the fire.

When you don’t say “no” even though you want to, you only neglect yourself. When you say “yes” to others, you’re saying “no” to yourself. You’re telling yourself, ‘no, I don’t need the time to rest. No, I don’t need time to take care of my own needs. No, I don’t need to regroup, plan ahead and no, I don’t need personal time. No, I don’t need to do the work I dream of doing’. Your body and mind hears what you’re telling it. When you say no to yourself, your body hears you don’t feel that you matter. Change your attitude toward yourself. You matter.

If you tell someone that you can’t help this time, do you think they won’t find another way? They will. Who is there for you when you need help? If you’re a giver, the takers will take. And take. And take. All your irons will be red hot and there will be no more left for you to use.

Your body needs you to be rested, healthy and nourished with proper food and lifestyle nourishment. Your body depends on you more than others do. Take care of it before it burns out like the fire that has no oxygen and no fuel.

How many irons do you have in the fire? How many are you willing to pull out of the fire for your best health and your best self? When will you finally be the caretaker to yourself? If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

What Forgiving Can Do

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On this beautiful fall day, I watch the leaves float freely from the tree that held it for two seasons. I feel their weightlessness floating without looking back. It gives me the desire to let go too. I don’t just think of the leaf falling freely, I see the tree letting go. The tree lets go of something that won’t help it through the next season. The tree lets go of something past as it prepares itself for something new. That’s how God created the trees and if you feel it, they set the example for us to let go of things that are of no use. I want to be like a tree, free to let go, grow and renew.

Forgiving someone who used their power over you and caused both emotional and physical pain is hard. When you trust someone and they use their significance in your life as power, it’s emotionally scarring.

The thought of forgiving someone so evil can make you feel weak or frozen. For a long time, I was afraid if I forgave them, they would see it as what they did to me was okay, that I accepted it. So, I refused to forgive and I stayed frozen in fear, in time, in pain and in the past.

It took me years, many years and therapy, study and prayers to just get to the point that I can think about the true act of forgiving. Part of my healing was raising my two boys and showing them the love, respect and trust that I was not given. Through those steps I learned that forgiving the abusers allowed me to take my power back. Forgiving doesn’t mean I have to be part of their life anymore, including those who have passed on. It doesn’t give them permission to have any kind of access to me. It doesn’t mean I’m weak, it gives me strength.

I’ve been through abuse, neglect, being used, trampled, looked down on, cheated on and much more. By not forgiving, it kept me in that dark place of anger, hurt, night terrors and the bad memories. While I still have the occasional night terror, triggers and moments of PTSD, I don’t stay in it for very long anymore.

I’ve recently chosen to forgive and let God take it from me. He saw it all. I felt/feel the darkness lift off of me. It was the darkness the enemy wanted me to stay in and it’s gone! I see God’s light and His love. I feel freed from living in the past.

I was expected and sometimes forced to respect them, but I learned that respect is earned. “Therefore, however you want people to treat you, so treat them” -Matthew 7:12

Reach out to me if you want to share, talk or just be heard. You too can heal. Looking to God is what helped me, and he continues to guide me every day. “As and it shall be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds and to him that knocks, it is opened.” -Matthew 7:7-8

“Our Father, who art in heaven, Hallowed be Thy name,
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever. Amen.”

Owning It!!

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Today, I left the house without my hat. I began driving without my hat on until I reached my destination a week or so ago.
I thought I left it in my car the last time I was out.

Today, I grabbed my work gear and proceeded to drive to my client only to find that my hat was not with me.

Oh my!! What to do?!! With my chin up and a deep breath I decided to own it. Stand tall is something someone told me years ago and I hold tightly to it. This is who I am at this very moment so why hide? I didn’t do this to myself – life did.

I ran an errand on my way home without thinking twice nor caring if anyone stared. Winning!

I’ve gotten used to the white and I kind of love it. Last week I discovered that my natural dark color is beginning to grow through in spots, ah well, can’t have it all… as I sigh and laugh at myself.

Waiting for White Hair Wisdom!

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I hate when I have large gaps between posts. I hate that I think I have nothing to say. The fact is, I do have good ideas, helpful tips and deep thoughts. I sometimes allow grief laden thoughts to consume me. In my last post, I made the decision to slow the hair loss posts and move onto other things. But the hair loss reality brought me way down.

I know that I’m not the only one with Alopecia, but I’m the only one in my large circle. I feel very alone. By February I lost 85% of my hair. In January, started Litfulo, a JAK for Alopecia. While on it, hair kept falling out. This is normal but it was very depressing. I also lost my eyebrows and lashes. I turned inward and found things to distract my mind. I’m pretty sure that’s when baking sourdough everything came into my life. It is something I can control as well as keep my mind on happier things. I’m trying not to hate myself and trying to stop hiding.

Mid-April I began seeing a little hair-fuzz! Now, Mid-May, I have more fuzz, albeit pure white, but it’s hair, I’ll take it! I still wear hats in public until it fills in more. Those who have seen my new growth love the color. It might change back to my normal medium brown or not, I don’t worry about that.

This is me in a nutshell right now. Mentally, I’m feeling better and working on improving. Life sure has a way of throwing curve balls when we least expect it. It’s how we react that will get us through it. For me, it’s going to and trusting God in every aspect of my life.

Upon her head
Hair grows like frost
Glistening in the sunshine
and gleaming like new snow. – DMS

Not Enough Hats!

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After trying several OTC remedies and having steroid injections into my scalp without much success, I opted to try the JAK Inhibitor, Olumiant. It worked great for ten months but then it slowed working and I began getting bald spots again. I have lost about 75-80% of my hair as of now. I stayed on Olumiant for three more months, until I got a sinus infection and bronchitis in December. When on a JAK, it’s recommended to stop the medication until your sickness passes as it suppresses your immune response.

Since getting sick and medication was no longer helping, I decided to try a more natural approach again. That December illness took weeks to get rid of. I’ve been eating mostly anti-inflammatory foods and homemade, gut cleansing juices and foods. So far, it’s not helping my hair follicles.

There are not enough hats to hide under! I don’t know how to feel comfortable in public. I feel best with my winter hats on while doing errands. I can’t wear them indoors, like at restaurants and such. I can’t wear them when warm weather is back. I feel like hiding. I’m self-conscious and embarrassed to work on my hair clients. I feel sad and frustrated.

I initially blamed my Alopecia and Hashimoto’s, (yes, I have that too) solely on the COVID vaccine. Upon learning and reading about the immune system and how to heal the body naturally, I realize that stress probably played a big part in why my immune system went into overdrive after getting that 3rd shot. I had been severely stressed both physically and mentally from 2016-2019 or so, in dealing with my parents. Specifically my mother. That’s a story that is now past, so there is no need to explain. Stress on your body and mind can weaken your immune system among other disease. It puts your body in dis-ease, fight or flight mode. Once disease kicks in, it’s difficult to reverse or heal. It’s not impossible in all instances, but difficult.

Back in October, my dermatologist suggested a different JAK due to it solely focusing on alopecia, unlike Olumiant which helps rheumatoid arthritis, now COVID! and Alopecia. I said I’d think about it because it’s still a JAK and they come with some risks, like all medications. This newer one is called Litfulo. Yesterday, after careful consideration and reading about it, I’ve decided to give it a try. In fact, I went to God for guidance, which is something I’m doing more often. He will guide you, just listen. My goal is still going to be gut health and supporting my microbiome. I’ve always eaten clean and wholesome since being on my own. Adding this microbiome support will surely be a benefit that I will be sure to share it with others.

My heart has always been in natural healing, wholesome eating and teaching others that cooking from scratch can be as quick as cooking prepared foods. I’ve come to know what peaceful living feels like and I want to share that with anyone who wants it too!

Life throws curveballs, how you handle what comes at you, makes a difference. I’m no longer the victim of circumstances. I’ve learned what I can handle and what to say no to. I’m a recovering people pleaser. Even Jesus said no when He needed to, see John 11:1-7, and Matthew 12:46-50.

Don’t give up, don’t give in to an unwell body, mind or spirit. Do whatever it takes to be well. Reach out if you have similar or different experiences that you’d like to talk about or get help with. Email me HERE.

Here are just a few photos of what my hair looks like today. Updates of progress will follow.