Waiting. I feel like I spend so much of my life waiting to reach goals, to be fully happy, to be treated kindly and fairly and to be treated with the same respect and love that I treat everyone. My gut tells me that this will never happen. I’ve come to realize too that waiting and hoping just increases my hope, angst and often disappointment.

The thing I’ve learned throughout the years of waiting while preparing for specific things to come to fruition is that most often they don’t. It reminds me that we may plan our path but God plans our steps. In thinking about that I see that my path, and maybe yours too, is fairly straight but when I look back, it’s squiggly and often treacherous. This teaches me to be much more open to whatever the very moment is offering while on my path.

I remember waiting for my birthday every year since childhood but when it arrived I felt forgotten and let down. I’ve only truly had a handful of fun birthdays to date and I hold those near and dear to my heart. What has taken me nearly 60 years to learn is that I need to plan what I want to do for my birthday and either make it known or do it myself. No blame to anyone, just taking a little liberty one day each year.

When I think back, I realize that I’ve been waiting for my life to begin, when in the meantime, I’m often missing the moment. My life began long ago. I was trained up on how to talk, think, feel and be. I’ve spent so much time trying to perfect that to a “T” that I forgot how to live life. I pushed aside the thought that I can be who I am, who I want to be without the approval of someone else. I need to push aside the thoughts that I’m not smart enough, worthy enough, valuable enough and not ready. Who is ever really ready?

Enough waiting for “my time” to arrive. My time is here, now. Surely I’ve worked, helped, serviced, studied, prepped, etc. etc. What is holding me back? Why do I have doubts about my abilities – my value?

What can I do to stop letting toxic words and behaviors from toxic people get into my head? I can pray and meditate on who I know I am. I must go inside to feel and know the love that IS around me and in me and close the floodgate that lets the negative entities in and around me.

Why do we allow ourselves to believe the labels others give us or to rate our value? No one knows what we go through individually; no one knows our heart and often I think no one cares.

Surround yourself with the love and light that God has given you. Spread that love and light to the world. Be authentically you.