Talked Down To? Stand Tall.

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I’m a pretty easy-going person, I always have been. I’m very agreeable and often to a fault. I’m kind, giving, caring, and forgiving. I give people the benefit of the doubt; too many times in some cases. I’m typically a happy, fun-loving person who avoids conflict and confrontation. I try my hardest to help people be happy as anger in others makes me nervous. I’m a people pleasing, shirt of my back kind of gal. I choose happiness and peace over angst and strife. I’m a faithful friend, mother, worker, health & life coach, hairstylist, and customer of local commerce. That’s pretty much who I am in a nutshell.

I’ve had my share of tough times; haven’t we all? I’ve been so flexible through the difficult times that I often thought I would break, but I didn’t. I only got stronger and tougher — on the outside. Inside I was slowly crumbling but I pushed that down deep inside. I’m such an easy person to get along with that others often mistake that for weakness and take advantage of my giving nature, my kindness, my goodness. But, I’m not weak; I’m strong beyond measure. I have a can-do attitude and a will-do nature that cannot be mistaken for weakness but esteemed as strength; both emotional and physical.

Each time someone mistreats me, that crumbling becomes a part of me. It slowly builds a wall of protection. That wall is sometimes a burden. It has become the collection of negative, demeaning, insulting, patronizing and greedy acts of those I have been kind to. Those whom think of me as weak and easy to manipulate. That wall is thick enough and high enough to block out those who continue to challenge my generosity. I’m not blocking anyone out, I’m simply putting a stop to being a subservient work-horse to those who take advantage of other people’s kindness.

I would likely have never been described as an angry person in my past but I feel anger in my being for the past several years. I’m not comfortable with that feeling. While I remain quiet, I’m not blind nor deaf to how someone who feels superior to me is behaving/talking to me. I’ve often read that when someone puts another down it’s because they do it to feel better about themselves; all the power to them. I don’t have to accept not receive their belittling.

I’m not comfortable letting go of my kind-nature in order to protect myself. I choose love over hate. I choose useful over used. I choose self-respect over their arrogance. I choose peace over anger. I choose happiness over emotional pain. I choose to persevere – to stand tall – to be kind. I am releasing the self-indulgent, egotistical, selfish folk from my peace.

You don’t ever have to accept irrational behavior from anyone. Your most important job in this world is to be kind, first to yourself, then to others; but that doesn’t mean you must accept rudeness, abuse, negativity or deceit. Not everyone belongs in your circle just as you don’t belong in everyone’s circle and that’s okay. It’s healthy for you to select who you need in your life; selection is not rejection. We are all unique and we try to find the people we vibe with. Everyone vibes in their own way, find those who compliment your vibe just as you might compliment theirs. Unfold your wings and release your energetic vibes into the world for the like-minded kinfolk to find you.

With time comes growth and with growth comes wisdom.

Stand tall.

Dawn

Teach Them How to Treat You

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Often, while I work, my mind recaps conversations and situations that I have experienced or overheard. I think of it as the brain processing what it wants to heal in our lives. I used to allow things to replay over and over in my mind which drove me down the road called despair. Today, instead of continuing down that road I have learned to talk it out either with myself or someone I am close with. Talking things over with another is a super healthy way to see things from another perspective and it often makes perfect sense.

If you are the type of person that lets things roll off your shoulders when what was done or said to you was just plain mean or disrespectful, you could be teaching that person who spoke or did an action that it’s okay to verbally/physically abuse you. Disrespect is not okay. You don’t need to be a fighter; simply speak the first feelings you have when you are hit with insult. Teaching others how to treat you can easily be done without harsh words. You can simply reply with something like, “that wasn’t very nice and I won’t accept being talked to or treated like you just did.”

As with how others verbally or physically treat you, the same goes for your belongings. If you respect and take care of your “stuff”, others will be more likely to do the same when they borrow from you. Take pride in your belongings. Show others what you expect and treat their stuff with respect too.

Don’t deny that how you talk to or treat others says a lot about you and you might well be treated the same back. It’s your responsibility to be firm but kind when you relate to those around you.

I’m not a fighter. I used to be meek, mild, passive and afraid to stand up for myself. I’m still mild, calm and kind but I no longer let others use, abuse or disrespect me while still not being a fighter. Self-control goes a long way. Respect for others goes a long way too.

If you want respect, you must give it. If you want to be treated kindly, don’t receive anything less than what you would give. Teach others how to treat you by your actions, words and your fellowship.

Be the light, be the change, be example of kindness in this world.

~Stand tall.

Things I Learned from My Mother

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My mother recently passed away; it’s been nine months. My father passed not long before my mother. Despite our less than stellar childhood (my two brothers and I), I have learned a lot from both my parents, what to do and what not to do. Good things can be learned from every situation we encounter.

Both of my parents taught me not to lie. One fabricated and/or manipulated things that happened or were said or done and the other kept secrets as long as possible until the truth was inevitable. The fabricator was often caught by several and the secret keeper eventually was caught and folded and finally admitted wrong-doing.
The lesson I take away from that behavior is don’t lie, don’t hide the truth, don’t intentionally do something that you feel you have to hide and lie, be honest, face the consequences and move forward.

It’s okay and even good to admit when you’re wrong. Some people view admitting being wrong as a weakness. Some people HATE to be wrong. When you admit you’re wrong, especially to your kids when it involves them, they learn to own up and have confidence that being wrong isn’t a weakness; they learn that it is a form of respect: self-respect and respect for others.

Speak up when you have been wronged or threatened. Keeping a personal attack or painful experience inside hurts you more than any physical pain. It’s better to talk to someone and be afraid of their reaction for a moment than to keep it in and be afraid alone, forever. It might not change things, but it might, and knowing that someone else knows makes you feel less alone.

Treat others as you wish to be treated no matter what. I’m always kind to others. I don’t always experience the same treatment from others and it sometimes makes me want to treat them the way they treat me (after all, it works both ways, right?) but I always choose the better road. I remain who I am, a kind, caring and supportive person.

The phone works both ways. If you haven’t heard from someone for what seems like a very long time, pick up the phone and call them. They might like to know that you’re thinking of them too. If they don’t answer or if you don’t call because “they are always busy anyhow” leave a message; a message will brighten their day and yours.

What you give is also what you get, most of the time. Some people are simply takers and will never change but you shouldn’t let that change you. If you’re a giver like I am, just keep being you.

Don’t take people for granted. When you do, they eventually stop caring and stop helping. They see the pattern and get tired of being used and mistreated and eventually you will lose their respect.

Happiness is a choice, just as anger is a choice. If you want to be happy, just be it. Of course, we all get angry once in a while but it usually doesn’t last.

Things don’t bring us happiness. Things we want only bring happiness for a short time, for the moment. Soon you will have so many things that you don’t need or want that you feel overwhelmed, out of control and unhappy, still. Choose adventures, time with family and friends and other intangible things. Choose moments over things.

Pay your bills before buying fun and frivolous things. There is peace of mind when your bills are paid and responsibilities met. Whatever leftover cash you have can be used on your wants or put aside the extra cash to add up for that big-ticket item.

No one will take care of me except me. If you depend too strongly on others, you end up unhappy, depressed, negative and angry. When you make sure your needs are met by your own doing you feel accomplished, a sense of pride and self-sufficiency and secure in knowing what you need is in your hands; at your disposal.

Take care of yourself first. If you put yourself last, you often deprive yourself and feel burned out. If the needs of everyone else around you seem more important than your own needs and you always oblige to others, they will expect it from you every time. When you don’t put your personal care first, you send the message that you don’t matter and in return you will be treated as such. You’re telling them how to treat you. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

People will manipulate you to get what they want. They might even call you names to make you feel bad for not giving in to them. Learn to be aware of what is sincere and what is manipulation.

Name calling and others’ opinions of you don’t define you. If someone calls you names or states their negative opinion of you, it could be because they feel intimidated by you. They often put you down to try preventing you from succeeding making them feel superior to you.

Love your kids unconditionally. Some people will only love others when they are good and serving them. You should never love a child or another person less because they disappointed you. Showing love shows great strength and support. Correcting a wrong behavior can be done without losing love and respect for the wrongdoer.

God doesn’t actually punish us. God loves even the sinner. We punish ourselves and punish one another. Using God against another is a scare tactic and it could tragically push one away from God. God is love and wants us to love one another.

Housework sometimes does relieve anger. I hate to admit that I have adopted my mother’s love of housework but only when I’m upset. I suppose that doing something that doesn’t require a lot of concentration helps process what’s on my mind.

I actually can be successful. When others think you aren’t good enough to accomplish dreams or goals it might be because they don’t want you to surpass what have accomplished. Maybe they want to squash your dreams because they weren’t brave enough to make a go at their own. You can do what you set your mind to doing. Sure, there might be obstacles along the way but they only build endurance and strength.

This is a long short-list of things I have learned from my mother. There are certainly many mother things but these are things that have formed who I am and who I am to become. Maybe you see similarities in lessons from home? Share your thoughts.

Until next time, just be you.

As always Stand Tall. 

Renewal in a Disposable Age

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20200516_152519It has been nearly five years since posting here. I didn’t abandon this page but my plan took another path; just as life usually does. Instead of scrapping everything and starting over, I gave my page a new skin and the chance to survive, just as I have and just as you have.

The past few years have been challenging but it brought me to this exact moment which is a great blessing. The recent events in my life have helped me face reality and release tragedy from the past. I have a renewed sense of self and a renewed peaceful spirit.

Facing reality – what it means for me is taking people for who they truly are instead of who/how I hope they would be and to accept them as they are without letting it disrupt our peace. No one is as we hope they will be, they are who they are but the good news is, you can be whom you hope to be. I spent much of my life letting others define me and I adapted to their definition of me. When I finally accepted who people were and that I could hope all I wanted but it wouldn’t change them, I was able to be my true self. 

I’m a person who loves others and I work(ed) very hard at trying to make them happy. I dislike conflict. I dislike mean, manipulative people. I feel the heavy burden of negativity that others harness. I prefer to see the glass half-full, see the rain as a prelude to sunshine, and I will always treat others as I wish to be treated. There was a recent time when I wanted to give that last thought the boot and start treating others as they treat me but I couldn’t make myself do it; it’s not who I am.

Releasing past tragedy, pain, abuse and heartache doesn’t mean it won’t surface again, it will, and when it does, you can acknowledge it for a moment and then send it on its way.

Personal renewal in this disposable age is personal growth. Things don’t have to go away for good in order for your life to be good. Think of a time when you burned yourself or scraped your knee, the scar might still be there but the pain isn’t. The scar doesn’t hold you back from being pain-fee and happy, it’s simply a bookmark in the life of you.

Don’t let others define you by who they say you are. Rise above with each new day and allow yourself to be who you say you are. Make sure those self-defining words are kind. Nurture your inner being. Overcome your personal hurdles and set your sight on being precisely you.

Stand tall ~ The Sky’s the Limit

 

 

Perfecting Meal Portions

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I know that I have an issue with my portion sizes, especially at dinner time! I do pretty well all day and when it’s dinner time, I’m not starving because I ate healthy all day but I find myself going for seconds. I say it’s because it tastes so good but in reality, I know that I do it because something is missing in my life so I fill that emptiness with food. I know I do this so why do I keep doing it instead of filling the emptiness with the thing that I truly crave?

Making changes in our lives is difficult and exciting. Making change means going out of your comfort zone, getting creative and being bold to an extent. Making changes sometimes means letting go of the fight inside of us and accepting what is if even just for now. Finding happiness isn’t as hard as we make it out to be, happiness is a choice we make; change is a choice we make.

Portions out of control is something we do that hurts our body and makes us feel bad about ourselves emotionally. Portion sizes are our way of gaining our own control of a situation that we feel is out of our control – but the price is high.

It’s time to make changes. It’s time to fill the emptiness with the truth, the thing that is missing, the thing we long for but haven’t worked out how to grasp it. When you want something badly enough, you can achieve it. You can have that dream, lose the weight, travel to that place of your dreams, have that item you can’t live without – it just takes a little work and a lot of heart.

Begin shifting your focus from food to fulfillment. Write down what you feel is missing from your life, keep that note in clear view so you will see it every day as a reminder of your deepest desire. Take control of portion sizes, if it helps, use a 6″ appetizer plate so you can fill it twice and feel okay with it, or stick to a dinner plate and strictly have just one plate of food. Eat slowly so your brain registers that you’re eating and always remind yourself of why one plate is enough.

Fulfillment of life isn’t filling the emptiness with food, it’s filling it by making your dreams and wishes reality. One plate – fulfillment.

Tempeh & Carrot Patties

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During these difficult Covid19 quarantine days I’m doing my best to keep busy. I’m using this time at home to get some projects done and to cook and create some new interesting flavors; boredom will do that to me. Today I was inspired to cook up some veggie patties for lunch and they are pretty tasty!

If you want to make some and don’t have all the ingredients I used on hand, don’t sweat it – just improvise; creating can put you in a happy mood. I’ll share how to improvise in my ‘recipe’.

Tempeh Carrot Patties

3 large carrots, shredded (use cabbage, cauliflower or broccoli)

1 package of tempeh, crumbled (or 1 can chickpeas rinsed, drained & mashed)

1 small onion, chopped

a few stalks of parsley, chopped (can use dried or any other fresh herbs)

1 cup of mushrooms, chopped (4 large)

1 tsp salt

1 tsp cumin

a few grinds of black pepper (1/4 tsp)

1/4 cup flour – use any type of flour you choose, almond, coconut, chickpea etc.)

2 eggs

Omit any ingredients that you don’t like. Add green peas, shredded Brussels sprouts or asparagus…there are almost no limits – [just don’t sprinkle nutritional yeast on your Shredded Wheat Mom!! ;)]

Mix all ingredients well and drop by tablespoon full into hot pan with oil, coconut oil or butter (add more between batches as needed). Cook until browned 3-5 minutes, flip and cook another 2-3 minutes. Repeat until batter is gone.

Yogurt Topping

about 1 cup plain Greek yogurt (sour cream alternative)

handful of parsley chopped

2 tsp. nutritional yeast

squeeze of lemon or 1 tsp lemon juice

Blueberry Muffins

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Everyone likes a little extra treat once in a while and I say, “why not”? I’ve become a fan of this particular blueberry muffin recipe in the past two years. The recipe comes from a great book I found at a Polish pottery store in MA, you can find the book online here. Each of the recipes in the book makes a dozen muffins. They’re simple and quick.

I sometimes add walnuts or pecans and I often leave the tops without sugar. I used brown sugar with cinnamon on this particular day.

So, while I don’t take credit for creating the recipe, I will take credit for making them often and sharing the recipe with you.

Sometimes it’s the simple things that keep us motivated, happy and hopeful.

Enjoy and share your muffin making experiences below!

Do You Feel Emotionally Well?

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It has taken me half a lifetime to feel emotionally well and it feels good. I don’t often write about my personal life and innermost feelings but I believe sharing our stories helps others. I’m often taken by surprise when I hear or read about someone’s experiences that are similar to mine; it makes me know I’m not alone.

I spent my entire life believing that I was not worthy of, well, anything good. I believed anything bad that happened was somehow my fault and anything good that I did would be appreciated – but in reality, I didn’t think it was even noticed. That didn’t stop me from being kind and doing anything I could to please others; I believed my life, my purpose, my reason for being was to make others happy.

I was taught all of that behavior by my parents. They were strict, unkind, demanding, inappropriate and selfish. My siblings and I were trained up to meet my parents expectations whether realistic, appropriate or not, and we obediently tried. For some reason I didn’t walk away after becoming an adult and moving on with my life. Even as an adult with kids of my own, I kept on being a people-please[r] with my parents as well as others. It didn’t serve me well to put my own needs and innermost feelings aside. In the past two years one at a time, my parents passed away. First my father, then my mother most recent. The last two years were pretty rough on me as my mother needed my help on a constant level. I always obliged. Each time over the years, that I would help her or visit her I always thought it would be different – better; but it wasn’t. Everything I or my siblings (in-laws included) did for her went unappreciated. N’er a thank you.

I found courage to heal. I found an excellent psychiatrist, [don’t stop at one, it has to be the perfect fit for you] and I saw her twice a week at first and once a week after that for nine years. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself. Another best thing I did for myself was to take lessons in martial arts, Kempo karate for twelve years. It taught me self-confidence, inner peace and how to react calmly.

The number one best thing I did for myself was to raise my kids with love, appreciation of who they are individually, respect, nurturing, and kind. I had rules but I was fair. My kids might not think anything of it and that is perfect. It’s perfect because that means they didn’t have anything negative to compare it to. They were given the love a parent should give. They were treated the way a parent should treat their children. I taught my kids honesty, empathy and compassion. That’s not to say that they didn’t have rough moments along the way, they did. I took steps to help them and protect them as best I could. I certainly made mistakes along the way but I always learned from them, owned them and I apologized when I was wrong. I was the parent to my kids that my parents could not be to me and my siblings.

The whole world is suffering with this corona virus Covid19 epidemic and it’s a bit scary. This epidemic will make history. During these difficult times, I find myself wanting to call and check on my mother and hope she would want to check on me. Then it hits me that she is gone. It also hits me that she never called to check on me when she was here, why do I still hold onto hope that it would’ve been different or better? I can dream of a different set of parents all I want or I can be that parent to my kids, now grown but still loved more than the day before. So, I pull myself together and check in on them.

Life isn’t always the way we wish it would be. In fact, it’s almost never how any of us dreams of. But we have the choice to heal grow and get free. Free from our own poisonous thoughts, free from other’s thoughts/feelings about us and free to respond to life’s happenings in a way that nourishes our soul and spirit.

I have a choice, you have a choice. Find your options, talk it out, write it out, be open to opportunity and failure because with those comes growth.

I’m here for you. My heart is open, my mind is open and my ears are open. Come on in and sit a spell, share your thoughts, release your pain. You can email me any time, I’m quick to respond.

Be well. God bless.

Feeling Anxious in the World Today; and Trying to Find Balance and Peacefulness

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Everyone everywhere is aware of the Covid-19/Coronavirus outbreak that is pretty much world-wide. Each of us is handling it differently based on our job, our health, our contact with others and such. How I’m dealing with it at this very moment is in a sort of tangle.

I’ve always been a bit of a germophobe, clean hands, clean surfaces and a clean home has always been at the top of my list of importance; my kids, while fully grown now, would agree. If I made/make food for you, or for family you can bet that it met/meets all sanitary standards.

I’m a hairstylist and a personal health/lifestyle coach by trade. I have lots of one-on-one contact with my hair clients and mostly internet contact with my coaching clients. Coaching feels a whole lot safer lately than hair styling! I’m trying not to let that stop me from caring for my clients as expected but I am making calls beforehand to make sure they have not been sick; it’s not a guarantee but it makes me feel a little more confident with contact. I will be diligently washing hands, keeping as good a distance as possible and spending as little time as I can with each client. I will bring water with me as I read that sipping water will wash down any germs and stomach acids can kill them.

I find myself confused if to see my clients or postpone their appointments. Confused whether to go buy groceries or clean out the pantry and refrigerator/freezer for the next few weeks. I have put myself in a state of anxiety wondering what to do and I’m certain that I am not alone.

I don’t want to over-react but I also don’t want to under-react. I don’t want this moment in time to make you feel like you are prisoners in your homes. Make this urgent time of little human contact be a kind of respite for you. Become a little bit selfish. Find time to reconnect with your inner peace, your spirit, your own comfort and God. Take time to clean that which you have put off but also find time to read, write, meditate, nap, garden, walk alone, cook something special, be comfortable with being alone with just yourself and with your family.

What are your doing during this awful moment in history? What are your thoughts? Anxieties? What is your plan while hunkering down away from social activity? What do you want to get off your chest? How are you doing?

For a moment close your eyes, breathe deeply and let calm wash over you.

Begin Again

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In the silence of snowfall

Today is the 364th day of the year. I feels like it has been about that long since I have written to you, my faithful readers. I want you to know that I appreciate you and I promise to be more active in your life as you are in mine. I also appreciate your emails of caring and concern.

Twenty-nineteen started out pretty normal (normal is very different for each of us) for me. I set goals, dreamed of new opportunities, planned steps to reach emotional and physical wellness and I felt optimistic.

As winter faded and spring opened its wings I lost my uncle whom which I was quite close to. My heart ached for my cousins and for the rest of us as we learned to accept our loss. Several weeks following I lost a cousin and my heart broke a little more especially for his sister, nephew and brother. Add two months and my mother passed away. My schedule basically worked around helping her daily with various appointments, chores and general lifetime duties. Getting through cleaning up what is left behind becomes a full-time job as well as staying strong over emotions is. Fast forward two months and I learned that another cousin has passed away. Feeling overwhelmed with sadness over the devastation of this news and living far away from his family left me feeling helpless; I wanted to be there for them, to give a hug, lend an ear and just be caring and supportive. Move ahead a few more weeks and the news of a newer friend’s passing came through. The heartache his family has been suffering is heart-wrenching.

Dealing with everything involved when someone leaves this world is overwhelming and emotions are kicked aside until you find the time to deal with them. The loss of five people in five months has been emotionally exhausting. Now that Christmas has passed and a new year is hours away, my heart and head are fighting agreement. Life with my mother in the past 3 years has been a pretty constant duty. While it wasn’t easy, anyone who knew her understands, it was part of my daily life. Having that removed in a flash is jolting. I feel both sadness and relief. I’m working through it and I know I will be okay.

Something my mind has been doing to me is feeling that I could be next. So many losses so close together is quite overwhelming and not allowing yourself to show the sadness hurts more than it helps. I’ve recently been retreating from gatherings and other invitations so that I can process all that has happened in the past seven months. I’m allowing myself to exhale.

I plan to stay optimistic; I’ve always been a glass half full kind of girl. I plan to spread love, happiness and my optimism throughout 2020 and I invite you to tag along!

Again, I appreciate you so very much.

This post is dedicated to those I’ve lost this year: Michael Parent (uncle), Alan Hamel (cousin), Jacqueline Hamel (mom), Steven Black (cousin), and Michael Cunningham (friend). May you all rest peacefully and fly free.